by KC Carlson
EDITOR’S NOTE: In KC’s last column, he said several things that did not go over well in the zombie community. Since we here at Westfield have the greatest respect for our zombie brothers and sisters, we have been taking steps to listen to their concerns, and there have been great strides in new understanding between us (including discovering that we aren’t all that different after all). Unfortunately, a renegade sect of zombies decided to take matters into their own hands (or at least what was left of them). They brutally attacked KC while he was gardening, and well…
While we’re still sorting things out, Westfield’s own Roger Ash had a few questions for Zombie KC.
RA: So, how are you feeling?
ZKC: Uhh… with fingers!?
RA: No, I meant how are you emotionally?
ZKC: Umm… hungry…
RA: For brains?
ZKC: Brains good… But really want a census taker with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. Yum.
RA: Can’t say I’ve ever had that…
ZKC: It good with lemon… and brains. To die for.
RA: Ah ha… So, why are zombies so obsessed with brains?
ZKC: Ha! That a falic… um, falla… uhh. That not right! Zombies not obsessed with brains… We also like brains. Ahh, and brains. Brains good too. We like lots of things besides brains. Like… uhh, brains!
RA: Do you eat brains?
ZKC: Only when on diet. When I try to lose weight, I eat my own brain. Then…
Umm… what we talking about? Brains?… Brains good! Can we talk about brains?
RA: Let’s talk about something else. What do zombies do for fun?
ZKC: That easy!… Umm…. Ahhh… Eat brains!
RA: Okay, then. Do you like the band the Zombies?
ZKC: Oh yes. Favorite band! Shake my groove thang!
RA: Well, that’s a disturbing image… What’s your favorite Zombies song?
ZKC: That easy. She’s Not There.
RA: That is a good one.
ZKC: You know why she not there? We eat her!!! Ha ha!
ZKC: Zombies enjoy good joke.
RA: Are there going to be any soon?
ZKC: What you mean?
RA: Never mind. Any other favorite songs?
RA: What do you think of all these zombie comics?
ZKC: Yummy. But staples bad. Ptooie.
RA: No, I mean do you read them?
ZKC: No. Marvel Zombies is kind of tangy and tastes really funny. The Black Lanterns are kind of stringy and taste a lot like other zombie books. Kinda boring tasting, really. The Walking Dead tastes the best, really sweet and scary. Like very fine aged brains. It’s really the book for zombie connoisseurs. And now there’s a TV dinner version.
RA: You mean the show on AMC?
ZKC: That it. Tastes better in Hi-Def! And the apple cobbler am wonderful.
RA: What other comics do you like?
ZKC: You know, that funny. I used to be really picky about comics I liked. I thought had to taste really good or special, you know? But now I like all the comics that all other zombies like, no matter if they taste bad or not. I mean, other zombies can’t be wrong, right? Comics taste really good when all other zombies like them too! And not bland or boring at all.
RA: So you now like the comics that all the other zombies like?
ZKC: Yeah. Being a zombie very liberat… very exhilar… Uhh… Am good. It fun not having to think any more. Let other zombies think for me. More time for eating my own brains. Then…
What we talking about?… Butterfly brains?… Tasty! Not filling.
RA: Last question: Zombies do a lot of shambling. Have you ever considered upgrading to moseying?
ZKC: Nah… Um… Moseying too fast. Might miss brains if go too fast. That bad. Miss doing the hokey-pokey though. Had to sign waiver to be zombie. Zombies no hokey-pokey. Sometimes zombies dumb. Do stupid Michael Jackson dance. Not thrilling. Hokey-pokey rules!
RA: Yes, it does. Anything else?
ZKC: That it. Unless you have yummy brains.
RA: After this interview, I’m not so sure!
ROGER ASH SAYS: Shortly after this interview was conducted, Zombie KC was whisked off to Switzerland for a radical de-zomibiefying procedure. Westfield Subscriber K. Richard suggested this unique blood-replacement regime. It’s only rock ‘n roll, but we like it. Hopefully, regular KC will back in a couple of weeks.
ZOMBIE KC SAYS: BRAINS!!!!!